The black hole of the off-season is upon us but there is hope on the horizon. Last night, Beekfurt Technologies of Wausau Wisconsin announced that testing was complete on a new procedure that allows Packers fans to be cryogenically frozen until the start of training camp, the pre-season, or the regular season if they prefer.
“We are excited to roll out an opportunity for Packers fans to peacefully sleep away the off-season.” said Beekfurt’s CEO Barley Condlethorne at a press conference. “Packers fans have deserved to be able to just wake up and watch football and that is what the “Packed Away” program will do for them.”
While Packers fans are exstatic, there is some irony here too. Beekfurt Tech CEO Condlethorne just happens to be the great-grandson of Curly Condlethorne, the one-time owner of ACME Packing Co. where the Packers got their name.
“Pappy Condlethorne started ACME as a packing company supporting the Packers, and now my company Packs away the supporters…ha!” said Condlethorne. “But it is all for the good of the team and the great state of Wisconsin.”
Keeping the technology local was a main concern as Alcor in Scottsdale AZ was reportedly pursuing the same goal. But a recent patent ruling in favor of Beekfurt ensures that your frozen Packers loved ones will be right there next to the Johnsonville brats.
“It was so great,” said Nina Perczek of Mondovi, “I just woke up, and I felt so rested, and I went to Lambeau to watch training camp. The only delay was that we got there early and had to hang out in the Packers Pro Shop for awhile. The last thing I remember was talking to the technician about how it seemed like forever before camp – I was packed away shortly after the draft – and then DING! it was time for training camp (after a long shower and a good waxing of course).” Perczek was one of the test subjects who helped finalize the passing of the procedure for the public this year. “I dreamed of the beach and they were able to tan me using UV while I slept…best Summer EVER!” she said.
While the procedure came off as a monumental success, it is not without its detractors as there are some possible side affects including:
- Momentarily forgetting that the Bears suck
- Un-controllable giggling at the sound of the name Sam Bradford
- Pants-wetting at every onside kick
- Lack of empathy for protected, endangered, and out of season species of animal (Panthers, Seahawks, Jaguars, Lions, Bears, Bengals, etc.)
- Vomiting on certain color combinations (blue/orange, purple/yellow, silver/blue)
These side effects were considered inconsequential compared to basic pharmaceuticals like Ambien so the procedure passed with flying colors.
“I might be able to play until I’m 60.” said Rodgers.