Aaron Rodgers has returned to the team this week and reports are he is not even in a sling. Cheese Press Newswire may have found the reason. We all know that Rodgers had as many as thirteen screws put in his broken collar bone during his recent surgery. The surgery is an important step in the recovery process, but word is coming right now that Rodgers may have had other help. Ian Rapoport broke the story earlier today that the famously cheese-free Rodgers was given a clandestine I.V. drip of full-fat cottage cheese while under anesthesia to promote the healing process.
“When I heard about it, I was angry at first,” said Rodgers, “But the very next day I was able to arm-wrestle the nurse who gave it to me…using my throwing arm, and beat her too…who could be mad after that? Actually, I autographed a block of 12 year old cheddar in the shape of Wisconsin for her.”
The attending physician who made the call on the procedure is Kurdish immigrant and surgeon-to-be Rika Holstein. Holstein had this to say about the progress of Rodgers’ clavicle.
“The bone density indicated a distinct lack of dairy, along with a condition common to California natives known as “Osteo-AvocadaGenesis Atrophy”. This condition comes about when the diet, while rich in avocados, bean sprouts and kale…is severely lacking in cheese curds, cheddar-brats, and milk. This IV procedure brought calcium rich cottage cheese to the bone directly through the sub-clavian artery of Rodgers’ throwing arm, bypassing the digestive system and…we are already seeing results…he almost took Donna’s arm off in that arm wrestling contest.”
Rodgers’ surgeon, Cal Daryprodik, noted that the results with Rodgers may alter not just his timeline to return but also the follow up procedures that may have been necessary without the procedure.
“The timeline for return after clavicular surgery usually has a great deal to do with whether the patient’s plate has to be removed after the bone has healed. In this case, the calcium has come back so fast and grown so thick, I am not sure we could get it out without doing further damage….the thing looks like a white candied almond in there.”
Rodgers finally gave the world what it wanted…a timeline on his possible return.
“I should be ready for the Bears game.”
When asked if he would be making the switch back to dairy in his diet, he simply replied, “Let me put it this way…my next mustache will be a milk mustache.”